aunthippie: lit neon sign reading "nope" (nope)
[personal profile] aunthippie
I. I am bored with my jerb. No frenetic pace, no puzzles to solve, ample time to get my not terribly challenging tasks done, which leads to my inner procrastinatrix just taking the fuck OVER (oh hai there, blog and BBS and unrestricted web access! how YOU doin'?) and... I mean, I am getting things done that they want, and feeling a minor cheering burst of confidence that I am, in fact, eminently capable of all of them, but meh.

And then boredom leads to depression leads to my near-endless capacity for self-defeat and I still wonder why I agreed* to leave the best job ever, complete with sarcastic genius boss at whose feet I could sit and learn shit forever (this was, in fact, pretty much the career path he planned out for me - hang out, learn shit, and do more and more of it as I learned. This is pretty much my concept of heaven, y'all.)

*[Ostensibly I have chosen to preference Boy's career over mine because he makes a substantial amount more and has things like free cars and 15% match on his 401(k) and paid education and pretty much unlimited growth potential, whereas I was one notch below the top already at a company that pays decent but whose true perks are far more insubstantial, and consist of things like "sarcasm" and "not-shitty coworkers" and "don't have to look adult or professional unless strangers are coming." I'm sure I could have grown the responsibilities of the position, and been fairly compensated for same, but nobody was taking over the world from there.

Also, he's been ambitious his whole life long, whereas I'm just looking for something that gets me out of the house, pays enough that household finances don't involve any magic tricks by necessity, and engages at least 1/2 to preferably 3/4 of my brain.
This change is telling me that yes, actually, I am ambitious in the sense that I want to be taken seriously and recognized as not just good at what I do but also good at something that people consider relatively high-falutin' because let me tell you, nobody has a lick of respect for the Best Damn Asswiper that ever wiped. But not in the sense that I want to tear my way up the corporate ladder to management; I want to find a niche full of delicious puzzles and be left the fuck alone there to tinker with some decent and like-minded people...yeah, about that meant to be an engineer thing.

Also, societal expectations, default blah blah, endless guilt if he turned down his dream and went to a (still better paying than mine, goddamn it) mid-level beige type job so we could stay in a state neither of us are particularly fond of just so I could stick with a company who will let me sit at the big kids' table someday and who generally regard me as a precocious and pretty damned useful child not-male** not-engineer.

**{Is there a word, equivalent to the god-awful 'oreo' or 'twinkie' for someone who is outwardly female but gets told all the time that she's one of the guys? You know, the good minority.}]

II.I grow weary of only having friends accessible via electronic widget. Not that they aren't all awesome, but I am about a 13 on a 1-10 scale of extroversion and I just want to go do things with people not already living in my household. See above re: boredom > depression > endless capacity for self-defeat.

III. I am considering medicating the ADHD to try and mitigate this, but bottom line is that the voice in the back of my head keeps saying "You're perfectly able to adult when the job is right for you; why the fuck are you medicating yourself into one that's wrong?" Except I don't know that I can find the right one out here; the fast-whirling chaos seems to be strictly a northeast thing, and anyhow I don't have enough industry experience to pick and choose just yet and realistically I need to suck it up and find a way to function at my best here instead of just going through the motions which is a short trip to mediocreville.

So, in summary, meh.
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aunthippie: old hippies in tie dye (Default)
Kindly Aunt Hippie's Tips For Livin' Right

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